Coke Machine

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied..."Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

5 Good Reasons to Vote by Michael Moore

Voting day!! Hope the nasty cold rainy weather doesn't keep people from going out to vote. Below is a letter from Michael Moore that I got in my email today. Time to go sweep out all the old criminals to make room for the new criminals!


"November, 7th, 2006

5 Good Reasons to Vote Today

1. IT'S A NATIONAL REFERENDUM. Although candidates' names will be on the ballot today, this election is NOT about this candidate or that candidate. Make no mistake about it: This election is nothing less than a National Referendum on George W. Bush and his War. Don't waste your time trying to learn about who the schlump is that's running for office. You know they're all pretty much the same, a few are better than others, but... please. They is who they is. THIS election is not about them. It's a simple up or down vote on staying the course.
To vote in favor of the war, vote for the Republican. To vote against the war, vote for the Democrat. As crazy as it sounds, even if the Republican is against the war, or the Democrat is for it, it doesn't matter. All that will matter by midnight tonight is the math on the big tote board. Did America say YES to Bush or NO to Bush? The ONLY way they're going to add it up is by counting the number of votes under the big D and the big R. The only way to take a stand against Bush today is to vote for the Dems on the ballot.

2. IN ORDER TO CATCH THE REPUBLICANS STEALING YOUR VOTE, YOU FIRST HAVE TO VOTE. There are huge and valid concerns about the new electronic voting machines that must be addressed. It is far too easy to use new technology to rig the vote. But if your fear of that leads you to decide that you shouldn't bother voting, well, then, I guess they've succeeded in snuffing out your voice without having to rig the machine. Make them break the law if they want to win. Vote. We'll catch them if they do. I promise.

3. WITH THE DEMOCRATS IN POWER IN THE HOUSE AND/OR SENATE, WE CAN GO AFTER THEM! These spineless Democrats who enabled Bush to start this war and funded it ever since are due for a shellacking from all of us. For nearly 6 years, they've hidden behind the cop-out of, "Hey, we're the minority, we have no power." As of tomorrow, hopefully, they will have no mask to hide behind. And it will be up to us to go after them.

4. I'LL PUT YOU ON MY WEBSITE. That's right. You can appear on my home page and be seen by millions later today. All you need to do is bring a broom when you go to vote. The broom is our mascot today because we're going to sweep the crooks and the warmongers outta office. Take a picture of yourself holding a broom outside your polling place, e-mail it to me, and I'll put as many of you as I can up on the home page of my website. People all around the world will see you! Government files with your name on them will be initiated! What better way to celebrate this historic day?!
And the final reason to vote today...

5. 2,836 + 655,000. Each one of them, American and Iraqi, are no longer with us because of the decision by one man to start a war. Each one of them represented a precious, God-given life that no man had the right to take away. Each one of them had a mother and father, sisters, brothers, husbands, wives, friends and loved ones, little boys and little girls. It's mad, my friends, utterly mad, this senseless loss of human life.
So, do it for them. Call up whoever you know and tell them to meet you at the polls. And tell them to bring a broom, real or imaginary, with a big D on it. It's the only true American thing to do.

See ya at the victory party tonight!

Michael Moore www.michaelmoore.com
P.S. Forward this to all your friends. Today is the day."

Blonde

A couple I hadn't heard yet:

A young man was performing a ventriloquist show in a small town in Arizona.With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the front row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?What does the color of a person's hair have to do with their intelligence and worth as a human being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person- - you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general.
"The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize,and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

A Blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. He tells her, "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day,and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."When the Blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds."Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"The Blonde nods and answers, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asks the doctor.
"No", replied the Blonde, "From skipping".

Mr. President

"MR. PRESIDENT, I'M HEADED TO MEXICO
David M. Bresnahan

April 1, 2006 NewsWithViews.Com

Dear President Bush:
I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border ! from the U.S. Into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this. I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over?

Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I c an get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. Flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy. I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. From Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.

Thank you so much for your kind help.

Sincerely, David M. Bresnahan© 2006 David M. Bresnahan - All Rights Reserved"

Here's Your Sign

Wouldn't it be nice if we were all smart enough that we didn't need all the warning labels on products these days? Like the hairdryer label that warns you "do not use while bathing"? For those of us who like to get wet and dry at the same time repeatedly!


Seen on the bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle: "Do not open here."

On a bottle of spray paint: "Do not spray in your face."

On a bottle of bathtub cleaner: For best results, start with clean bathtub before use.

On a container of lighter fluid: WARNING: Contents flammable!

On a box of household nails: CAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause irritation!

The golf carts on the course I worked at have warning labels saying, "Not for highway use."

I once saw an ad for some type of contest on a candy bar. The wrapper said "No purchase necessary - Details Inside."

Seen on a container of salt:Warning: High in sodium.

On a hose nozzle there was a warning that said: "Do not spray into electrical outlet."

There is also a stroller on the market with the warning, "Remove child before folding."

I saw a car ad depicting cars driving in the water with fins like sharks. At the end of the ad in small letters it read: "Caution, do not drive underwater"

Skipping out on Work

Gotta love the blonde jokes!!!

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office. Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too. The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again."No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"